It has been a really long time since I have written anything. I mean, I have been writing, I just haven’t been publishing it. I have tons of notes on my iphone with topics I want to research to write about, videos, quotes, poems, everything. And I haven’t done it. Or I start it and don’t finish it.
Truth is, I’m sick of everything. I’m sick of packing and unpacking, booking tickets and finding places to stay. I’m sick of me. I’m sick of the patterns I keep repeating, the men I keep dating and the stories I keep telling. I’m sick of healing. And I’m so f#cking sick of “the work“. I’m sick of Baby Jesus, Shiva, AhShem, Allah, all of them.
Except Ganesh, he is just too damn cute.
I’m sick of Sacredness, of Holiness, of Mythology and Astrology. Right now, I’m wishing I took the Blue Pill.
So this is me right now, bitching about being sick of it all and feeling sick about writing this. I kinda want to bitch slap myself. I know how Blessed I am and I appreciate everything in my life but sometimes you just plain can’t stand yourself. We all have our up days and our down days. It doesn’t seem to matter how sunny it is outside…
But I have been thinking about how I haven’t published anything in a long time and about why I started publishing my thoughts at all. When I was on the first plane flight of this crazy journey, on my way to the Philippines, I had a complete breakdown of Self. I lost my shit at 40,000 ft and then I found Myself flying between the stars of the Big Dipper. Something told me that I had to write about it, that I had to SHARE it. Lucky for me, I have always used poetry to work out my ugly bits.
I have a way with words
A nack for slipping cyanide
Into cotton candy
Leaving you gasping and drooling
Wondering if that was the most delicious
Morsel of Verbage you have ever tasted
Or the sharpest venom tipped tongue
Ever to lick your eyelids
That is the opening to a poem I started while thinking about why I’m not writing right now. Kinda full of myself huh? It occurred to me how egocentric writers are, especially ones who write about their lives. People tell me all the time that I need to publish my poetry. Not here, but like, for real publish. My words resonate with something in their lives. My words connect us, humanize us and create a bond. I write because it helps me heal but these words seem to help others heal also. I think about my favorite authors and how their words grab ahold of my heart and suddenly I don’t feel so alone or crazy. I find a kindred spirit in their stories.
So is my Ego writing the words or stopping me from sharing them? I came up against this question while face down in a pile of my own bullshit about a year ago in Bali. I was having a Craniosacral session from my teacher and he was riding my ass as usual, except today he kept going on and on about what a ego maniac I was. And as I raged back at him about how I always turn my light down, keep quiet to protect others and generally hide so as to not look like someone with Ego I realized that that was my EGO. Ego was the voice telling me that I was too pretty, too talented, to happy. The nature of the Ego is to destroy its host and it had been succeeding! I was always running from myself. Hiding in plain sight. Apologizing for being awesome. I am all about the performance, I just can’t stomach the curtain call.
And then there is the insecurity… (Ego again)
When I publish something, I have instant regret and terror. Much like spell check, I wait until after I click “publish’ to judge myself. It is a really vulnerable place to be… raw, naked and on the internet, on my own website. My picture is here for Christ sake… you would know me in a coffee shop! What if you think I’m nuts? Or needy? Or whiney? What if, what if, what if?!?!
What if you think I’m a fake?
Normally my process is quite easy.
Something inspires me, good or bad.
I write them down.
Everything flows very quickly and is usually finished before I can judge it. I stand behind everything I have ever written. It was absolute truth for me, in my reality, at that moment. But in the last 5 months the inspiration comes, I jot things down and then nothing happens. It all felt empty.
Until I wrote the opening paragraph above which I thought was going to be a brilliant poem.
The words came.
I wrote them down.
A meh feeling.
Came back to it.
But nothing was clicking. Nothing was in alignment. So I reread everything I had written down and I realized it was all COMPLETE BULLSHIT.
I realized that while the words were 100% true to me, in my reality, at the moment I wrote them down… 5 minutes later I could recognize that they were not my TRUTH… they were my PERCEIVED TRUTH. You smell what Im cooking here?
In that moment I could see through all my wounds, stories and lies that I was using to protect aspects of myself. In the moment of writing the words, they were true to my reality, but the process of writing them and really looking at them while feeling the emotions behind them allowed me to realize that the words were coming from the wounded pieces of me, not from the part of me that is whole and complete. They were smoke and mirrors and I had been lost in the funhouse for too damn long.
So I broke free.
Are you ready to do the same?
If so I have an offering for you!
A 5 day workshop on the gorgeous Greek island of Paros devoted to the delicate surgery of cutting through your bullshit to connect you to your TRUTH, your HEART and your FREEDOM. We will cover delightful topics such as Guilt, Blame, Shame, Judgement and maybe even get around to some Forgiveness. And honestly, if you are going to have an existential crisis, you might as well do it on a Greek Island! Why the f#!k not.
I don’t know what to tell you to expect. When I walked into Tao’s Healing Center I just went because a long time client of mine had been nagging me for literally years to go there. By the time I left, the owner had strong armed me into offering a workshop. We had set a date and I had NO idea what I was going to teach. Later that day while enjoying one of the loveliest sunsets I had ever seen, God straight up dropped this workshop into my heart. She gave me a mountain of a project, a life changer and told me to get climbing. It is a hard climb and you will feel everything I have verbal vomited in this blog but it is all worth it and the view from the top is unreal!
If you are ready for this adventure check out more info HERE
Take a look at the venue, Tao’s HERE