I woke up this morning feeling unloved and unwanted. I have spent the last few weeks with the Universe throwing everything it could at me to break me, to make me turn the lights down, turn the volume down, hide. Friends have repeatedly apologized for my opinions or to someone in the room for what ever I am talking about to another person in the room. I have had every piece of me told that it was amazing in one breath and annoying in the next. “I want you here. Please go away, everything about you irritates me”, is pretty much my reality as of late. I see this same pattern in others as well. Friends tell me that they won’t speak up to defend themselves or others because the bully is a popular person, good dancer, cute boy/girl and what of they won’t talk to them, dance with them, date them if they speak up. How many times do we sell our Souls for attention, love or a freaking dance tanda?!?!?! And these people are not blind to the situation. They are completely conscious that they are saying, “I will let you treat me like shit if you will just give me attention.”
I’m not judging at all. I am absolutely guilty of this. I have given away so many pieces of myself for one little morsel of pathetic love, that I don’t even know where to begin to find those pieces. These last few weeks have been so powerful for me. Those pieces I gave away have started coming home, without me needing to go find them. The act of staying true to myself and putting myself FIRST has been enough to call them home. It has also pissed a lot of people off around me. Sometimes just sitting in my own Power in the corner of the room with my mouth SHUT drives people nuts. Imagine what would happen if I opened it!
I learned to hide as a child, something about me just irritated people. I was too pretty, laughed too loudly, smiled too big, loved too much. My 1st grade teacher called a parent teacher meeting and complained to my parents about how I twirled my hair when I thought and how my crayons kept rolling off my desk when I colored. I was repeatedly sent to the Principles office in 2nd grade for singing while using the bathroom and disturbing others. All of my Spiritual Teachers have spent the last 10 years slowly trying to coax me out from my hiding places, trying to help me Trust that it is safe for me to be me, to do the Work I am called to do and to stand in my Power. This IS the work I am here to do they tell me. I am here to help others stand in there own power, to climb out of the pile of bullshit they have built around them.
First, I have to climb out of my own. I almost gave up that climb this morning. I was so tired and so lonely and I wanted so badly to feel safe and loved. I reached for my phone to email one of my teachers but I stopped short, remembering what I had heard in a meditation a few weeks back.
“You have to be your own lighthouse Jamie. Turn the light on.”
So I got out of bed, made some blueberry tea, ate a cookie and sat my ass down in meditation.
The moment I sat down I was surrounded by Beings of Light. They reminded me that I am not alone, that I am Divinely Blessed and TAKEN CARE OF! I told them that I was lonely and tired of being the Mirror for others to throw their darkness and hatred of themselves at. You know what they told me?
To stop being a victim and take control of my freaking life. The more true I stay to myself and the more I put myself first, the more others will either raise their vibration or fall away.
I know this, I live this, I tell this to people all day, every day but I hadn’t made the connection in this place within myself yet. I hadn’t applied it to this life long story of pissing people off for simply existing in happiness. I was so use to people trying to take it from me, not to have it, but because if they didn’t have it, I couldn’t, that I didn’t actually believe that I deserved it anymore. I was still running a program in the background that told me it HAD to be hard and ugly and full of tears.
I am not the bringer of others sorrow, they are. If my light make them uncomfortable, good. If they don’t want me in their life, great. They won’t dance with me, date me, hang with me… WONDERFUL. If they want to blame me for their lack of self- love, fine. But I won’t carry it for them anymore.
So, I send this Beyonce video out to you all today in hopes that it inspires you to keep being your awesome self. Don’t dim your light for anyone. The brighter you shine the more light you spread into the World and the more you inspire others to shine their light. I think we can all agree that more light is what this world needs right now!
Love and Light to you ALL! Go out and be the mirror that reflects the light, not the dark!
If you are interested in breaking through your bullshit, see how I might be of service to you at Holisticmojo.com.
join be for 5 days of bullshit breakthrough in Greece this September. Drop The Bullshit