Are you Happy?

Are you happy?
This divinely poised question just cracked my Soul open like a scull on a cremation pyre. Three words freeing me from a prison I did not know I was in.

Are you happy?
I stare back at him as if he has spoken to me in a language I do not know. Rolling them over and over again in my mouth, trying to decipher the answer to a question I can no longer understand.

Are you happy?
I… Um. I… Ahhh. I… I don’t know how to answer that. I am….

Present.

Are you happy?
The truth is I am very happy. Happy to see him, to connect with old friends and enjoy new ones. I am happy to hear the wonderful live music we were listening to. I am thrilled to be in one of my favorite cities and you might even say I am fat and happy to eat all my favorite foods.

But I am also miserably cold from the foggy San Francisco summer weather. I am feeling vulnerable and a bit depressed from an experience over the previous few days. My Master Wound of ‘I am wrong, I am bad’ is all sorts of riled up and my inner child is terrified that WE are not worthy of love. At the same time I am experiencing a new layer of a long held belief and shame that it isn’t ok to be a beautiful woman and that I should hide myself away. That it is wrong to be a sexual being and that it is not ok to enjoy being touched and desired. I am disappointed in the level of connection I am having with people and I am craving a deeper level of honesty in my life. I am processing deeper and deeper levels of sorrow from my time living in San Francisco… my marriage, my divorce, my lovers, my failures, my fuck ups. I am fearful that maybe I am too loud, too direct, too honest and that maybe I need to turn my volume down before someone thinks I am a bitch. I am fighting hard to resist the desire to pick up everyone’s pain and cart it around on my shoulders. Not my circus, not my monkeys, but old habits die hard and I have a habit of adopting circus monkeys.

And I was happy.
And I was content.
And I was satisfied.
And I was surrounded by people I cherish.
And I was lonely.

I was present.

Are you happy?
With these 3 words I realized that somewhere along the line I stopped striving to be happy. I can no longer measure my life in terms of happy or unhappy because these are transient emotions that mean something different to everyone. I am so much more than happy or unhappy. Those words feel flat and colorless in a reality that exists in 3D, acid tripping color.

Are you happy?
I don’t want to be happy. I want to be real. I want to be honest. I want to feel every up and down, joy and sorrow, success and failure. I want to hold someone as they explode into a million pieces of ugly and I want to be witnessed as I clean up the mess from my latest atomic meltdown. I want to experience compassion, empathy, forgiveness… I want to hurt someone and feel the regret so I can know who I am no longer willing to be.

Rip me open, I dare you. I want to meet the one who is waiting inside.

This being Human is an amazing experience, don’t waste it chasing happiness. Open yourself to every experience that will push you to grow. Embrace the ache. Be vulnerable enough to allow yourself to experience Love.

This is it.
This is all we have.
Invite it all.

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