A friend posted this question on her facebook page today but it has been on my mind for weeks now. The last 2.5 months have been a whirlwind; I made the last minute decision to take a Craniosacral course, which turned into 4 levels of said Craniosacral course. I got Dengue Fever just as the 4th level was ending, was hospitalized and my Mother arrived early from New York to help take care of me.
During all these events ALL I have done is worry…
“Did I make the right decision taking these courses? Is it too much on my system? Can I afford it? Should I move? Should I have moved? Do I need to move again? What is that bug?!?!? What kind of creature makes THAT noise?!?!? Do I need to go to the hospital? How much is this going to cost me? Why do I have such terrible taste in men? When can I get out of the hospital? Am I going to die? OMG, air bubble in my I.V., I totally saw this on an episode of Law and Order… Im going to die! Am I being a burden on people by being sick? Is my friend taking care of herself while she is taking care of me? Will my Mom travel safely? Shit, nothing is prepared for my Mom! She is going to be so stressed and I won’t be able to fix it. Why am I not getting better?!?!?”
I could go on but I think you get the idea. So; class is over, Dengue Fever is over, Mom is over.
Enter Emptiness, stage left, carrying Panic and Judgement on her back. I have spent the last 24 hours wondering whats next. Do I work? Do I play.. oh no; no no no no no, play is not Spiritual Growth and I have to keep going, keep growing!
Wait, have you been to my website? Oh, right, you’re on it. Ok, maybe I need to go to my website and reconnect with, well Me. It took me scrolling through the pictures of my first 1.5 months of travel to remember WHY I’m doing this, which is to have fun seeing the World and along the way to discover all the things that are and are not ME. Right now I feel like I’m drowning in an ocean of self-doubt. I went to see a psychic today and as most of these sessions go I was underwhelmed and frustrated. Sure, there was lots of interesting info about my Spirit and past lives and what I have to offer the world in this lifetime, but I already know that. I wanted answers and there are no answers. I know that too but I keep going out, worrying and wasting time, looking for them.
In the last 2.5 months I have done some serious healing. I did 4 Levels of intense healing work, got knocked out by a tropical disease and made serious headway on creating a new reality for my Mother and My relationship. I cried when she left people! There was a time when I would have cried because she was coming. All this self discovery and work and I want to know what’s next?!?!?
“Hey, crazy Lady. Hows about your take a freakin’ time out and go watch the rice paddies grow. I think you have done enough for now, let God do the rest. When it’s time to move, you will know.”
A friend asked me today what I was doing to keep busy and if I was offering sessions to folks. Only then did I really see how worried I was. He was an amazing refection of my own insanity. He has been for the better part of my time here in Bali. He brought out some of the Darkest aspects of me during our time together. In many ways he built me up and in many others he tore me down. I reacted to both by retreating behind my Mask of Invulnerability and our relationship ending the way many end for me, with him never knowing I needed anything because I was too busy being stoic to be vulnerable. Like I said, I have terrible taste in Men. Not because they are bad people or even bad partners for that matter, but because they arn’t in alignment with what I need in a Partner. I choose bad partners FOR ME. It’s always the same story and it will keep being the same story until I decide I have had enough and I change my vibration.
The same goes for this addiction I have to stress and to needing to know the answers. At some point my hands will give out, my grip will slip and I will fall. Only I can decide if I drop like a rock or soar towards the Heavens.
So what’s next?
Well, it’s Bali Spirit Festival here in Ubud this week so I will avoid that completely. The last thing I need is to go try to find myself in a crowd of 10,000 half naked yogis chanting about love and light whilst tripping on mushrooms and dancing about in the moonlight. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I just figure I have had enough excitement these last few weeks and maybe a little one on one time with the rice paddies is in order.
I’ll leave you with a great video about being human and vulnerable. And Super Awkward. Enjoy!