Have you ever stargazed at 50,00 feet? It’s amazing. Try it next time you find yourself rocketing through the nightsky in a glorified tin can. It looks like you are actually inside the stars. I guess you kinda are.
I had just finished watching a movie and was maybe 3 hours into my flight to Singapore. The momentary lull in activity gave me pause to check in with where I was. I rested my forehead against the cool window when the cold reality hit me.
“What the hell are you doing Jamie?”
It felt like the window had blown out and the night sky was sucking the air from my lungs. Now, if you know me and have spoken to me about this adventure I’m on, chances are I fed you some BS along the lines of
“I’m taking time for myself”
“Iv never traveled for the pure joy of travel”
Truth is, an 18 day trip has slowly morphed into an 18-24 month trip simply because I had no one to tell me NO and I have no effing idea what I’m doing.
I have no plan and no safety net. I’m just trusting that when I fall, something will catch me.
This is a very new concept for me. A friend recently pointed out to me that I don’t know how to allow for the masculine in my life. I don’t know how to ALLOW my self to be taken care of. Whether by a Man, a Friend or the Universe. If I can’t fix it, it ain’t broken or it’s not fixable. And he was right. I have always been both the Masculine and Feminine to myself and to those around me. I’m the Alpha Female in almost any situation. When I was a child I played the cute little girl as well as the handy little boy with my Father. I loved helping him in his workshop, building things and being his assistant… but I felt guilty that he didn’t have a son, so I made a conscious effort to fill that void. My Mother was a tom boy. She grew up with all boys and had a strained (to put it politely) relationship with the females in her family. She encouraged me to be girly and she taught me that I could do anything the boys around me did. I learned by example. I played with the boys and the girls left me alone. Well, alone in the sense that they didn’t play with me, just bullied me. I had no problem jumping into a fist fight with a boy, but the girls scared the shit out of me and I spent a lot of time crying. Girls were not to be trusted and the boys, to be manipulated. The result has been a lifetime of antagonistic relationships with women and the continuous emasculation of men. I have no idea how to be taken care of. No idea how to soften into this feminine body. Let’s just say, Sex, has always been a complicated matter.
Thankfully, this is all changing.
So I’m panicking, staring out the window at the stars, and I notice the Big Dipper. It seems so close that I could walk off the end of the wing and slide down its handle. I would imagine that this is what it feels like to find enlightenment. Everything around me and in me ceased to exist, and I became one with everything around me and in me. A shooting star shot through the black sky and my heart was rocketing along with it, leaving a trail of pure Love, showering everyone and everything. I had a flash of every person I knew and wrapped each of them in this space with me. And then another shooting star, and another, and another and another… At this point Im crying because I am so unbelievably grateful to be alive, in a body, experiencing consciousness. I’m overflowing with…. everything.
So this is where I could talk about how if we all could simply embrace the present moment and release the fear of the future and the ‘what if’s’ and embrace each other with compassion and wonderment in every moment of every day that the world would be a better place. And yes, it is probably true that this would create a perfect world where Unicorns existed and poop glitter and we ate cake for every meal… Lots and lots of cake. Definitely cake. But we are full of opposition and duality and whats to say that that isn’t perfect. We are evolving and we need to fall down sometimes. The darkness isn’t worse than the light, its just different. My biggest hurdle right now, and there are so many, is to allow myself to be Human and Divine at the same time. I don’t need to wear flowing dresses, carry around crystals and speak only kind words to embody the Goddess. I can be the Goddess AND curse like a sailor. I’m a New Yorker for Christ sake! We are all flawed, and honestly it will take the entirety of my spiritual practice not to punch a toddler in the face once they all wake up, start screaming and running around the aisles of this plane. So I’m gonna forgive myself in advance, sit back, enjoy the show happening outside the window and extend immense gratitude for this opportunity to be able to be flawed. I’m alive and I’m already perfect. I’m a gift, you are a gift, that parking ticket is a gift, that dis-ease is a gift. Love it all.
I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t even know if this plane will land. But I do know Love and I do know Grace. And I’m starting to know God within and around myself. Suddenly, what comes next seems less important…
I offer you this prayer from Tosha Silver https://www.facebook.com/toshasilver13
And awesome video about Unicorns at the end;-)
THE FULL ABUNDANCE CHANGE ME PRAYER
If you feel drawn, let it enter your Being, releasing any old ideas of constriction or limitation and returning Your true essence as expansive, radiant Light.
“Divine Beloved, Change Me into someone
who can give with complete ease and abundance,
knowing You are the unlimited Source of All.
Let me be an easy open conduit for Your prosperity.
Let me trust that all of my own needs are
always met in amazing ways
and it is safe to give freely as my heart guides me.
And equally, please Change Me into someone
who can feel wildly open to receiving.
Let me know my own value, beauty and
worthiness without question.
Let me allow others the supreme pleasure of giving to me.
Let me feel worthy to receive in every possible way.
And let me extend kindness to all who need,
feeling compassion and understanding
in even the hardest situations.
Change me into One who can fully love, forgive
and accept myself… so I may carry your Light
Let everything that needs to go, go.
Let everything that needs to come, come.
I am utterly Your own.
You are Me.
I am You.
We are One.
All is well.